It Was Always You
by TR-Fanfic
Summary: In the heat of battle they walked away. But what is meant to be, will be. And fate only waits for so long. Sequel to ColieMackenzie's "Inchoate"
1. Chapter 1

When I read my wife ColieMackenzie's story: "Inchoate" I was as impressed as I was inspired. This is the sequel to that story that I have been planning since it was published. I highly suggest you read her story before this one to understand the context. I hope you enjoy it. This is for you Baby, because I love you, that's never not been true.

It Was Always You

By TR

Vanessa didn't look up from the stove as Castle stepped through the door of the loft. She already knew what she would find in his eyes, in the knit of his brow, and tonight she just didn't want to have to meet it head on. The spector of her, the grief and tension and echo of regrets that followed him for days after he saw her. She just wanted one time, just even one, where Castle could be in Kate Beckett's presence and not be poisoned by the pain of the past. She knew even as she wished, that this would never happen. What she didn't know was what the hell do about it.

The table was set for two, with wine poured and starter salads already in place.

"Vanessa?" His voice cut in. He worked to push down the exhaustion, the weight in his chest, on his heart. "Hey, did we have a date tonight, or...?" He set the bag of left over barbecue on the counter. He'd not been able to eat much during the day, so they sent him home with enough to feed an army.

"No, I just wanted to surprise you. I'm trying out another new recipe for the book, and you're my favorite guinea pig."

"Sounds great!" he said, moving to give her a barely there kiss on the cheek. "I uh...I should go wash up." He raised his hands, showing the grass stains that wouldn't quite scrub out. "The girls wanted me to go on the slip and slide again this time."

"Okay well don't be long, it's almost ready." Her light heartedness fell flat, but she knew he didn't notice. She was sure he hadn't seen her at all.

She took a deep breath as she watched him retreat into his room. Into himself. She'd expected the cloak of confidence that he wore, that faux flippancy he used to cover all manner of scars, to be diminished, but this...all of his scars were bare, glaring, screaming their edicts for all the world to hear. Whatever she had expected, this was ten time worse. He was raw, and exposed, and entirely undone.

What had Kate done to him? The answer came before the question had formed. She knew what Kate had done. She'd simply stepped into his view. Vanessa had told Rick once early on, that he was hers until Kate walked into the room. He'd said that chapter of his life was over; was all charm and reassurances and she hoped one day that all he was telling her would come true. She knew now it never would. Time wasn't healing the wounds of his divorce, it was stripping away the pretenses and justifications, leaving only the painful truth. They'd given up too soon.

She turned and barely saved the veggie lasagna in the oven. She tried to shake away the thoughts that threatened to drown her, but it was futile. The beautiful and horrible thing about epiphanies is that once you've had them, they can't be un-had. They loom over everything, shadowing every thought and feeling with their truth. She didn't know exactly what she was going to do with that truth yet, but there it was.

Castle came out of the bedroom and she saw he'd tried to freshen up. He smiled, putting on a brave face. She smiled back, and knew this would be their last meal together. They sat across from each other and tried to talk of pleasantries, but after 10 minutes of meeting each other with one word answers they both fell silent. Castle cut another piece of lasagna and wished it didn't taste like chalk in his mouth. He was sure it was delicious, and being the polite man he'd been raised to be, he told her so. She thanked him, and neither of them meant it.

"So how's Kate?"

This caught his attention, and for the first time that night he really looked at her. She looked tired, weary.

"She's…she's fine." He didn't bother trying to smile, trying to hide. It was just too damned hard anymore.

Vanessa raised her glass and brought it to her lips. Slowly she drank down the wine, in one go. Before he could ask what was on her mind, she spoke up.

"Rick...I want to know what happened between you and Kate."

He frowned. "Nothing happened between us, we just happened to be at the same barbecue."

"No, I mean...what happened?"

"Ness I'd really rather not talk about it."

"I know, but we're going to talk about it. I don't need a full history; I've got all those blanks filled in by the girls. They are fans of a good story after all. Josie called your love story 'epic'."

Despite himself he chuckled. "Well it is a good story." He took a shuddering breath. "The sad ones always are."

She leaned in and put a hand on his arm. "So are the unfinished ones." His eyes went wide. She shook her head, halting any protest he might have. "Save it. This story is unfinished, and you know it. Now, I want to know what happened, and I want the absolute truth."

He took a long breath and let it out slow. Resisting the urge to bury his head in his hands and weep, he stood up and walked to the couch. She followed and sat facing him. He traced patterns on the surface of the suede and tried to find the words.

"There's really not much to tell," he began. "I don't know that I'll ever understand how we could make it through so much, and in the end be broken by so little." He shifted in his seat. "We were fighting. Almost non-stop. I don't even remember what the fights were about, it just seemed like everything we would say would end in a screaming match. We were both under so much pressure. She'd been promoted and we were both trying to juggle parenthood with our career paths. The stress was too much. We were stressed, the kids were stressed. Something needed to give." She watched as he fought the sudden tears that rose in his eyes. He cleared his throat. Once, then again. "So...one night while we were railing at each other, I asked her if she just wanted to call it quits. If that would be easier for all of us. Better for the kids, better for everyone. I didn't mean to say it. I heard it for the first time as it came out my mouth."

Vanessa's brow furrowed. "What did she say?"

"She didn't say anything at first. Then she just said...'maybe it would be'. And she turned and walked out and slept on the couch."

"Is that what you wanted? To call it quits?" She asked.

He pursed his lips. "I don't know. And that's the truth. I don't know. I didn't want to go on that way, that's for sure. If she'd said something more. Anything more that showed me she wanted to stick it out, I would have stayed. I didn't want the kids to go through our separation, but I didn't want them to live in a house where their parents were at each other's throats." He sighed. "She didn't say anything more. She just shut down on me."

"Of course she did." His eyebrows rose. Vanessa shook her head. "I don't mean to be indelicate and I'm sure you were both hurting, but Rick...you essentially said you wanted to be done. "

"No I didn't! It was in question form."

"That doesn't matter one bit to a woman. And you just told me that you didn't know if you wanted to end it. She would have seen that uncertainty."

He nodded and studied his clasped hands. "I know. It's my fault, she was just reacting to me, and I was just...reacting. Before I could find the words to fix it, we'd filed for divorce. If only I'd..." He shook his head. "Listen it doesn't matter now. It's done."

"Is it?"

He took her hand and tried to be reassuring. "Of course it is."

She squeezed his hand and pulled away. "Do you miss her?" He tried to evade. "Do you miss her?" She repeated, emphasizing the words. "I want the truth."

His shoulders slumped, burdened by the weight of the world. "Yes. I miss her." He stopped there, not wanting to cause pain, to ruin another relationship with misused words. The truth was he missed Katherine Beckett every moment of every day. He woke up missing her, went to bed missing her. He missed her in ways that he would never tell his girlfriend. He missed her in ways that he would never tell anyone.

Vanessa nodded, and felt oddly light for what she was about to do. Yes it hurt. Yes she loved him. But the thing about love is, if you fall for someone who belongs with someone else, setting them free only feels like the right thing to do.

"Answer me this. If you had it to do all over again. If you got that chance. What would you do?"

He closed his eyes. "You and I are done, aren't we." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, we are." They both fell silent, respecting the relationship for what it had been. "Now tell me, what would you do with another chance with her?"

"I guess, I'd say different things. I'd try to not let the stress ruin us. I'd...try."

"Then get over there and try!"

His eyebrows shot to his hairline. "I can't just waltz in and mess up her life now, I've done enough. Besides, she'll likely say no."

"That, I highly doubt!"

"Ness..."

"No! No more excuses. If I'm going to let you go, I'm not going to do it with you on the fence. This is your chance! Now, right now is your chance! Josie told me she's only been on two dates with that guy." His eyes widened. "Yeah, so get over there and speak up while you can." She leaned in, and took his hand. "Listen, I love you, I'll say it now, and I'll mean it for a while, but I'll get over it. I love you, but you love her. And you're not going to get over it. You're not! So go fix it!"

Castle sat motionless, let all that happened that day tumble about in his head.

Vanessa stood and gathered her purse. She leaned down, kissed his face. "If you never ask the question, the answer is always 'no'. Go ask your questions."

"Okay, and for the record Ness, I wanted us to work."

She gave him a watery smile. "I know. Goodbye Rick," she said. And walked out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Martha was descending the steps when Kate walked through the door. She was grateful to Lanie for offering to take the kids for the night. She needed some alone time, some thinking time, some time to lie in bed and pretend he was still there wrapping his body around her. She wanted to put on his shirt, the one she'd kept, the one he thought he'd lost…and just dream. Just remember.

"Martha! What are you doing here?" She said, and tried to smile in greeting. Regardless of the state of her relationship with Castle, Martha had remained a strong figure in her life.

"I used my key, I hope you don't mind, Darling. I was dropping off the dress for…" She focused on Kate's face and her words fell off. Quickly she made her way down the steps, and took her by the shoulders. Seeing the tear tracks, the utter exhaustion, she knew all too well what had happened. "You saw Richard today."

Kate nodded, and wondered when the pain would ever fade. Martha shook her head. "When will the two of you ever learn?" The compassion in her voice tempered the censure. "Come on." She put an arm around her shoulders and led Kate over to the couch. "I'm not going to ask what happened. You don't have to tell me." She gave Kate a long knowing look. "I just don't know how two intelligent people can get something so important, so colossally wrong!"

Kate shook her head. "Martha…I don't know either."

"Why did you two break up again?"

"Because we were making each other miserable."

"Ah, I see, and that's so different from what's happening now. It makes perfect sense!"

Kate gave her a sidelong glance. "It's complicated," She deadpanned.

"Love always is! You know I may be overstepping, and if I am you can toss me out, but take it from someone with some experience walking away from a marriage…or 3. You and Richard are both stubborn as mules!" She reached over, touched Kate's arm. "Darling, when you ended it? Is that what you really wanted?"

Kate pursed her lips. "I wanted the fighting to end."

"And the fighting was all you had? It was enough to overshadow everything else?"

"No," the resigned sadness in Kate's voice was enough to bring tears to Martha's eyes. "No we had a lot more, so much more. We just couldn't see it. Or it wasn't there anymore."

"You want to know what I think?" Martha asked.

Kate gave a half laugh. "You're going to tell me anyway."

Martha ignored the ribbing. It was their pattern. "I think you two are ever like a dog with a bone! In the heat of some stupid fight over nothing, you decide to throw away everything. And once that's decided, once the choice is made, you have to follow through with it. It's who you are. It's who you both are. You obsess, until nothing is in view but the end of the game!" She took a tissue from the table and wiped the tears from Kate's face. "And look at you. Look at both of you. Miserable!"

"Martha…" Kate stood up, began to pace. "It wasn't my…" she turned to meet her eyes. "It was what he wanted," she finally said, swiping at a batch of fresh tears. "He told me he wanted to call it quits. That it would be better for us, better for the kids." She put a hand to her stomach, feeling all over again the punch to the gut. "And I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. It's my fault, I know. If I'd only said something….anything! But I couldn't." She stopped pacing and dropped down into the closest chair. She stared at the floor, then slowly bent burying her face in her hands, her hands in her hair. "We were divorced by the time I could find the words to say I didn't want…" She shook her head. "By then it was too late."

Martha went to her. "Katherine," she said softly. "If there's anything I know about words, it's that they don't expire. You can always say what you need to say, even if the outcomes are vastly different, not saying anything at all is always so much worse." She reached out, lifted Kate's chin, wiped the tears with the pad of her thumb. "I know of which I speak." She gave Kate a moment to pull it together. "Look at me kiddo. Come on, look at me. You know what Richard said when I asked him why you two were going through with this hair brained scheme?"

"What…?" Kate swallowed hard. "What did he say?"

Martha held her eyes. Beautiful, sorrowful eyes. "He said, 'that's what she wanted'."

Kate's eyes widened. She stood and went to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water; took a long pull. "But I didn't!" She set the water on the counter, leaned over, braced herself. Determination made her eyes glitter. "I didn't want that!" Her fist hit the tile. "Damn it! I didn't…!"

Satisfied to see the grieving divorcee turn into the cop, Martha grabbed her purse and headed for the door. "Why are you telling _me_?" She said with practiced dramatic flair, and made her exit.

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

Castle shook his head, couldn't help but smile, when he saw her sitting there. Feet moving the swing back and forth. Staring at her hands. She was his favorite mystery. To him a flawless beauty. His only forever love. He'd taken a walk and somehow, as always, he ended up at their swing set. So much had happened there, in that place. Everything he had with Kate began there. He stopped and took a moment to take it in. Let the memories play behind his eyes.

Beckett sitting, looking so lost after dealing with her recovery, asking him in her own subtle way to wait for her to get through it so she will be strong enough to be with him.

Sitting waiting for her with a ring in his pocket, clothed in determination and her favorite suit. Asking her to marry him…he closed his eyes and for just a split second could feel the elation and relief of her acceptance.

Beckett already waiting for him, had asked to meet him there on her lunch break, bursting with the amazing and terrifying news that she was carrying their baby girl. Their little Johanna Beckett II, that Aunt Theresa had called Josie and somehow it stuck.

Not so long after, he'd met her there again with Josie sleeping on his chest, to find out that his precious little one was to have a baby sister.

So many memories. So many times they'd gotten it right. He hoped they weren't out of chances.

He saw the moment she felt his presence. He hoped she wouldn't run. Wouldn't avoid. Wouldn't close her heart off to what he needed to say. She didn't look up, but didn't run.

He sat, and like her stared at his hands. He was once again wearing her favorite suit. He'd put it on hoping to stop by her place after he collected his thoughts. Formed his words. He hoped she'd notice. He hoped to tell her one day that he'd never worn that suit for anyone else.

He hoped.

"You know, it's shocking to me what words can do," he began.

"Castle," she sighed. "We don't have to..."

"No! I'm talking now!" She looked up at him and the matching tears in their eyes were nearly their undoing. Overwhelmed, they turned away. "Kate, my whole life has been based on words. I make my living with my words. It was with words that I asked you to marry me, right here on these very swings. It was with words that I made my vows to you, and meant them." He paused, cleared the tears from his throat. "Words have always served me well. So it's just unbelievable to me that the impossible has happened, and it was words that tore us apart." He put a hand over his heart. "MY words." He took a deep breath, tried to center himself, and felt that his life was on the line. "You listened to them then, when I didn't mean them. God! I didn't mean them! It's my hope that you'll listen now, and know that I do mean them." When she said nothing, when she didn't run, when she didn't scream at him that it was too little too late, he continued. "Before I…say what I need to say, I have to tell you that I am once again single. And I'm not coming to you because I'm single, I'm single because I needed to come to you."

This time she raised her head and studied him. His eyes were nearly as blue as his shirt. Sorrow always punched the color up a notch. He was wearing that suit. The one that made her forget her own name. Now all it did was conjure memories that she'd tried so hard to forget. Tried but never could.

He met her eyes. "I promised you once that if we needed to figure things out that I would be willing to figure things out with you. That didn't happen. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for that, and everything that happened after." He let the apology hang before he got to the heart of the matter. "When I asked you to marry me, I told you I can't imagine my life without you. I still can't. Try as I might, I just can't!"

He shifted his feet, tried his best to face her. "This has just been one long nightmare for me. A nightmare of my own making. I just hope that it'll be my words now, that will wake us up, and put things right again." He took a deep breath, raised his eyes to the heavens, then back again in silent plea. "I love you! I _love_ you! That has never not been true! And I want you to hear me now, I will never truly belong _with_ anybody but you, I will never truly belong _to_ anybody but you. That will be true if I never get to touch you again, that will be true if I never get to hold you again, that will be true if I don't get to grow old with you." He shook his head. "That will be true, no matter what happens." Fresh tears gathered and fell. "If I am so lucky as to be allowed back into your life, I will do better, I will be better, I will never walk away. I can't. I belong to you. I have _always_ belonged to you."

When all she did was gape, he stood.

"I'll be here Kate, if ever you're…if you ever want…" He sighed. "I'm here."

Before she could catch her breath, gather a response, he turned and made his way across the park.

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

Kate adjusted his old t-shirt, it seemed that no matter how many times she'd worn it, it still held that scent that was uniquely him. She bit her lip nervously and reached for the covers. Gingerly she pulled them back, watching him. Her heart hammered in her chest, and she wondered how they'd come to this point. For so many years she'd been able to throw back the covers and crawl in with him without a qualm. Now they were back at the beginning. The beginning! He'd come to her as she'd sat on their swings wishing and hoping he'd do just that. He'd come to her, and now they had a chance to get it right. A chance to show they'd lived and learned. A chance to be better than they were before. If they could manage that, it would most certainly be 'epic'. They had been spectacular. And like all spectacular things, when the foundation begins to crumble, the crash is equally spectacular. Clothed in his scent, and coated with hope, she slid in next to him. She warmed as he turned toward her in his sleep, like he'd done so many times before. She closed her eyes as he gathered her to him, pulling her body nearly on top of him as was his way. She felt him relax beneath her as every muscle in his body seemed to sigh with relief. Melting in to him, she slid in to sleep.

And just before dawn, slid in to love. They'd moved together in a mix of instinct and desperation. Swaying slow and easy like an old ship bobbing on the waves. She moved over him, making her apologies with each stroke, each bunch and release of her muscles, each whispered promise. Every move all together new, all together familiar.

He'd clung to her, tamping down the urge to take over, to take her. Knowing even in his sleep laden state that she'd come to make her case. To make their peace. He didn't bother fighting back tears, he was open and vulnerable and oh so relieved. Later when they lay spent and molded to each other he'd felt the tears drop from her cheeks to his chest. Their struggle was the same. He'd stroked her back, her hair, her side, memorizing her lest this dream slip away, and as slow and easy as they'd woken they drifted back to sleep.

He woke alone, and on a sigh, hung his head. Last night's dream had been more vivid and had touched him more deeply than any of the others. He took a deep breath and tried to shake it off, but when the distinct scent of her filled his senses he paused. Looking toward the door he saw her in nothing but his white dress shirt carrying two cups of coffee. He heard her chuckle as he scrubbed his fists over his eyes and stared again.

"No," she said with a smile. "It wasn't a dream."

He grinned back and accepted the cup she offered. Running a finger along her thigh he said, "oh I beg to differ."

She blushed, then setting her coffee on the night stand, turned to him. Battling between keeping the playful banter and getting the hard part over with, she opted for the latter. "Castle…" she frowned. "Well, I was going to tell you that I am also once again single, but…" She took his hand. "I'm hoping that's not true."

"It's not," he said simply.

"Good." She averted her eyes, kept hold of his hand. "Thank you for coming to me. How did you know I was there?"

He chuckled. "I didn't. I took a walk to try to work out what I was going to say to you."

"Like you do when you're dialoging a story?"

"Yes, the most important story of my life. 'The Mystery of the Failed Marriage'," Sadness once again set in. He took a long slow breath. "…and there you were."

Her eyes smiled, and she shook her head. "It's not just your mystery to solve Rick. Isn't that how we started? Isn't that always how it should be? We solve it together?"

He nodded, raised her hand to his lips. "That's what I'm hoping for."

"Me too," She said softly. "I'm sorry I couldn't say anything at the park. I was just so stunned. I'd been wishing… And then there you were, it was almost unreal. You drove off before I could call after you."

"Sorry," he said. "What were you doing there?"

"I was doing the same thing. I just took a walk, trying to work things out. It's just so complicated!"

"You see, I think that's where we went wrong," he said, warming to his topic. "Complicated is our specialty. We used to be able to solve a case with almost nothing to go on. But when our number came up, when it was our case to solve, we…"

"_I_ walked out of the room," Kate cut in, all levity gone. "I walked out of that room and that was the end of it. I just couldn't have that conversation if it was going to be the end of us. I just couldn't. And I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know it was my fault."

He frowned. "No it wasn't."

"Don't argue with me," she told him, complete with a raised eyebrow to settle the matter. She ran a thumb over the skin of his wrist. Long ago he'd learned she reflexively did this when thinking. "Castle, this scares me to death. More than anything my deepest fear was losing you, losing US, and it happened. I've thought and thought and thought about it. I haven't stopped thinking about it since we signed those damned papers!" Her lips pursed, nostrils flared. "What did I do? How did I fail so badly at showing my heart, that you thought I'd…" Her eyes welled up. She was so damned sick of crying! Crying for him! Crying for her failures! "…I'd want to be away from you? I know we were fighting, I know it was rough but…"

He wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Shhh, don't do this to yourself. I was the one…it wasn't you!"

Pain flashed in her eyes. "So you did want to be done?"

"No," it was a whisper. "No I didn't. I just didn't want to see one more tear in your eye. I just didn't want to make you unhappy. I was so sick of seeing you cry! So sick of seeing you angry, and hurt! I just couldn't hurt you anymore. But I didn't want to be done, I never want to be done! I just want to be done with hurting you!"

She nodded, and rather than pull away, and pace and argue as was their way, she quietly moved in to his lap and put her arms around him. "I couldn't take anymore either," she said against his neck. "I was hurting you, and I couldn't seem to stop. We were different, something had changed. I was afraid your feelings had changed too. I wanted to fight, to tell you that I didn't want to call it quits, but I was afraid of your answer. I was a coward, I should have fought for us. I'm sorry."

"We both blame ourselves. If I'd loved you better…!"

"If I'd loved YOU better!" She pulled back, held his eyes. "Babe, I want the blame to just stop. Can it just stop? I don't want to carry around this regret anymore, and if your regret is the same, I don't want that for you either. Listen to me, okay?" When he nodded she continued. "I don't care how tough it gets. I'll fight for us with my last breath if I have to." She laced her fingers with his. "I would rather spend my life fighting with you, than making love with anyone else! So let's just begin. We start now, we start here!"

Overwhelmed, he leaned in and kissed her. "That will be easy for me, so much easier than pretending we've ended when we never did. It was never over for me."

"Me either," she said softly. "I love you, can we just start from that? I love you…" she kissed him back and cherished his words enough to give them back to him. "That's never not been true."

He gathered her close and laid her back on the bed, cradling the back of her head in just the way he knew she liked.

He kissed her face, "It's not over."

"No."

She laced her hands through his hair, took his mouth, "It'll never be over!"

"No."

"Mine!" She gasped.

"Always."

End... Good? Bad? Working 13 hours over night? Let me know.


End file.
